I mostly use this blog to talk about my travel adventures and extreme day trips. That’s something that I’m passionate about and brings me a lot of joy but there’s more to my life than just a rucksack and a passport.
After a 20 year relationship ended, I found myself in a position where I had to rebuilt my identity from scratch. I used to be a husband. I used to be an uncle to nephews and nieces on my partners side. My sense of purpose was built around people that decided that I no longer mattered, and that was tough to deal with psychologically but in that scenario, I had just two choices, I could drown in my own misery or I could make a change and pick up the fragments of my life and start again. I chose the latter.
I can be very proud of the phoenix that arose from the flames. The home I’ve build, the friends I’ve made, the weight I’ve lost (15 stone over three years is nothing to be sniffed at). Now there’s only one thing missing. I would really like someone to share my life with. Not out of a need for someone to complete me, I’m already whole but because I have a big heart that simply wasn’t designed to keep it all to myself. I want to be the reason someone else smiles. I want to be their safe harbour when the storms of life are raging. I want to be part of something bigger than just myself.
I must admit, I have found the modern world of dating hard to navigate. I am not gifted with a silver tongue and charisma that just drips off my torso. I’m a slow burn that struggles to get through the initial awkwardness of meeting new people in a dating context. I find it hard to introduce myself without sounding duller than a black and white paint catalogue from 1989.
Still, we can’t expect the world to revolve around our own desires and idiosyncrasies so I force myself out of my comfort zone and onto the turbulent territories of dating apps and in person meet ups.
Tonight I attended my third “single mingles” event. It was about 10 months since the last one, which was a spectacular failure where I only managed to evoke the ire of a polish woman I’d upset in a facebook group for having the audacity to be honest about my values.
Still, it had been 10 months and in that time I’d lost at least 10 stone in weight so maybe it was time to give it another shot? Tonight’s event was a 40s and 50s event, with an 80s and 90s theme disco much more to my tastes, at least in theory.
It wasn’t something I was planning to go to, I had been speaking to a lady from Leeds for a little while but sadly that wasn’t meant to be so I thought “fuck it”, why not? I had nothing to lose so I booked myself a ticket last minute and there were 9 other souls from a facebook group I had joined that were also attending. I met with a couple of them before the event.
I forgot that I lost weight so when I tried on my smarter shirt attire, I realised it looked too big so I had to make a bee line to Slater menswear on the day to find something to match up with my expensive smart black jeans and fanciest shoes (not that fancy, they’re just hush puppies but to a man that lives in Sletchers slip ons, they’re fancy enough). £49.99 for a shirt! They must have seen me coming, but I was in a rush and it did at least fit nicely.
I headed to Dukes 92 to meet up with some of the guys from facebook for a pre-party drink. I don’t normally drink and I just got myself a diet coke in Dukes. Meeting other guys in the same position helped calm the nerves a little. It was clear that Dukes was full of other guys and girls doing exactly the same thing. It almost felt like a high school prom with some of the elaborate attires, particularly with the ladies attending.
We headed over to the Single Mingle about half an hour after “doors open”, nobody wants to be too early. They give each of the guys a padlock and the girls a key. It gives you a reason to go round and introduce you to other people. I applied one last squirt of my CK one parfum de homme before putting my bag in the “cloak room” and entering the main event.
The 10 months made no difference. I was still nervous. I still felt uncomfortable in a very busy room with lots of people and noise. It felt like a school disco, but at the school discos I was the kid sat akwardly in the corner of the room refusing to dance and it wasn’t any different alll those years later.
I tried to circulate. The second lady I spoke to happened to be my matching lock and key mate, so we were entered into the prize draw and already I had no reason to speak to other people. I did get to keep my padlock and “pretend” it wasn’t already unlocked but I was too polite to interrupt ladies already speaking to other guys. There were some girls I found attractive. I seem to find short brunettes particularly attractive. I’m not sure why and not that it helped me engage many in conversation.
You see, the thing is, I’m not actually shy. Put me in a context I feel comfortable, a pub quiz a casual walk or even on an Extreme Day Trip, I will happily chew your ear off but surrounded by a lot of people and noise, I naturally drift into the background. Dating feels like it’s designed for extroverts and I’m just not that. I have a lot of qualities, empathy, kindness, generosity, intelligence but extroversion is not one of them.
I decided to renege on my self imposed alcohol hiatus. I had a double JD and diet coke, 3 lagers and a baileys. It went straight to my head and somehow for the last hour I found myself on the dance floor with a very attractive brunette that was humouring me but I couldn’t quite bring myself to be brave enough to cross the line into making a move. Hey, it was progress just to be on the dance floor.
The hope for these events is that by putting myself out there, it would help me build up confidence to approach ladies. It’s not something I’ve ever really had to do. Most of the ladies I’ve had relationships with have approached me, not the other way round, and they’ve been drawn by my solitary super power, the ability to string a few words together.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll never be that outgoing, confident, charmer. I am what I am, and you know what, that’s ok. Instead of trying to compete on other people’s terms, I need to compete to my own strengths. It’s worked before and it may just work again. I just need the right kind of lady that will value what it is I have to offer.
The staff at these events are very friendly and helpful. I still had a good time, regardless of whether that had to be alcohol induced or not. I’m going to keep trying to find events, whether it be walks, games nights or any other excuse for people to meet. One day I will find the right woman and in the meantime I just need to keep being me, enjoy life and not give up hope.
For someone to love you, you first have to love yourself, and I do. Not in a vain way, but I can be proud of how far I’ve come in the last few years and what I’ve achieved. I need to give myself credit for that!